the departure

my last week in taf was insanely busy despite the fact that i stopped working. making the rounds to see all my friends was a bit exhausting and i was constantly on the go with the visits, giving away my stuff, paying bills and more. and of course anytime that i said goodbye to someone, they would say 'but i'll see you again before you go right?' Enchallah [god willing] i would say. but of course it would be impossible to see all of these people again. no one likes goodbyes.

my last 24 hours in town were actually quite boring up until the very end. i thought i would really come full circle by spending the last night at my host family's house. so i said goodbye to my apartment and made my way across town with all of my stuff. the exact opposite of what i did just 22 months prior.

when i arrived, no one was home. awesome. so i went out to the cyber and bought a chicken for the next day's lunch. when i got back the family was there, but there was nothing special about this, my last day. i hung out with khadija and the new baby and everyone else, but i was quite shocked that no one seemed to care or notice that i was leaving!

the following morning was the same, everyone went about their business as usual and i felt a bit lost. i made one more round and said some final goodbyes, and my host sister gave me some very hastily done henna. i played hopscotch with my little host sis and neighbors.

the whole while i was totally uneffected by thoughts of my departure. i thought 'i'm not even going to cry! this is no big deal!' i ate a final snack with some of the family and then it was time for me to make my 6pm bus. i grabbed my stuff with the help of khadija, aicha, tati and neighbor girl noura and we started for the bus.

just about as soon as we left the house i felt a sudden and drastic change within. on the short walk to the bus it was all i could do to hold in my tears. 'i'm leaving....forever' whoa. we were a bit early to the bus, but it was no time at all until i was crying uncontrollably and so were my host sisters. we hugged and kissed and told each other how much we would miss each other. then a bit of calm as we continued to wait. then as it was time to board the flood gates opened again and we repeated the process.

tati [my 9 year old host sis whom i love to death] was having an especially hard time and that of course only made the whole thing more difficult for me. finally i managed to get on the bus and took my seat, still crying as we start to pass through town.

just as we start to leave town, i notice a big black cloud of women on the side of the road. as we pull closer they are all waiving their arms and yelling [of course this is not the usual behavior of a conservative berber woman]. the bus driver thinks maybe someone will be boarding, but i know better as i leap from my seat and sprint to the door.

crying now even more hysterically i jump off the bus and run into the arms of my very best friends. everyone is crying, no one can even speak we just hug and kiss and cry and cry. the bus beeps its horn and i know it's time to go. with a final goodbye i run back to the bus where the other passengers are staring at me as if i'm some sort of alien creature.

it took a good half hour on the bus for me to somewhat recover from this traumatizing departure. and the next 4 hours were spent in reflection of what had just occured.

when i left america in 2005 it was sad. the goodbyes were difficult and i questioned whether i was making the right move. but it was a timed goodbye. a goodbye for two years. a departure that was not permanent, but very short lived in relation to the average life. those goodbyes were a walk in the park.

the goodbyes i said that day were by no means temporary. they were forever goodbyes, and these are significantly more painful. indescribable really, but a bit like a bit of your heart pulled out. this piece will never be replaced. this piece is in morocco.

of course i plan to call and write and visit [and i will], but it will never be the same. i'll never again be living there, just down the road from a cooking lesson or unlimited cups of tea, cookies, and laughter with these incredible people. never again will tati show up unannounced at my door for an afternoon of popcorn and tom and jerry. nope, these are not timed goodbyes.

leaving rabat and my 'boyfriend' mohamed was equally painful, but i dont think i have the energy to go into all that right now.

i spent 27 incredible months in morocco and i'm so greatful for every second.

thank you mohamed, habiba, zaina, fadma, naima, mamass, naima, aicha, hicham, abdelfettah, youness, boubaker, said, dalila, ahmed, hasna, ayoub, nadia, ijou, saida, zahara, all my soccer girls, asma, asma, khadija, khadija, khadija, aicha, mohamed, amina, tati, senna, brahim, noura, houssine, mourad, oumayma, and so many others. you'll always be in my heart.

like falling

today i had some errands to run. one of them involved picking up the ID cards of some women and making photocopies so we can officially start our "women's club" at the youth center. At the home of woman number two, something crazy happened. we chatted for a bit, then i got her card and made to leave.

she walked me to the door and it came up (it seems to be constantly coming up these days), that i have only 5 months left in this country. she told me how other volunteers have come and gone, and they are missed a little, but they are not like me. she said that she will miss me so much, and she doesn't know what she will do when i go. then her eyes filled up with tears. i kissed her and said how much i would miss her too, but inside my heart was breaking.

i've lived in this town for 19 months. these people are my family, they've taken me in, they've become a part of me and i only have 5 more months with them. at this point the time is going by so fast, that it's like i cant stop it, i can't catch up or get my bearings. yesterday i had 6 months to go, a week ago, i had 8 months. My excitement for the future makes it difficult to live in the moment and really take advantage of the little time i have left. I constantly think about the things to come. i can't even imagine what the day is going to be like that i leave this place, and i'm already dreading it.

on sunday i'm leaving and i wont be back for two months. a few meetings, a month of summer camp and a whole lot of leftover vacation time will keep me away, and while i'm excited for a fun summer, i'm also feeling sad.

the next 5 months are going to be jam packed with emotion. the time will continue to fly by, but i'm gonna do my best to focus on what's important right now. i'll never get these 5 months back, so they better be good.

conversations with mamass

I've been here for 21 months now. there are times when i feel like i've learned all i could possibly learn, and nothing can really shock me anymore. and then i have a conversation that's like a slap in the face and i realize.....there's so much i dont know.

This conversation followed lunch at my friend mamass' house about a month ago.

Setup: We started talking about Islam, the Coran, and what exactly is in there about the infamous veil. Warning, this conversation is very paraphrased.

Me: Well, you know it doesn't actually say in the Coran "Women must wear a veil."

Mamass: Yes it does. And also we can't wear perfume out of the house.

Me: Um, ok. Why not?

Mamass: Because the men. If they see our hair or smell perfume they will WANT us. It is uncontrollable. Muslim men are not like American men.

Me: Yeah, i dont really get that. I mean, on the inside, all men are the same. So what is the big difference between Muslim men and all the others out there.

Mamass: Well, you know, Muslim men are cut. You know, down there (points to crotch region)

Me: (blank stare as i try to figure out what she is trying to say. could she really think that only Muslim men are circumcised??) Ummm.....well, actually you know that American men are also circumcised.

Mamass: No they aren't. Only Muslim men are circumcised.

Me: (more blank stare. is she really gonna argue with me on this?) Um, actually, yes they are. You know Abraham (she does), circumcision started way back then. It started with the Jews. Even way back them before there was Islam, men were circumcised.

Mamass: (look of confusion on her face) Really?? Everyone here says that only Muslim men are circumcised.

Me: I swear to god! Almost all American men are circumcised.

Mamass: ALL American men?

Me: Well, not ALL. I would say like 95 out of 100. (yes i pulled this statistic from no where, just go with it)

Mamass. Oh, thats like nothing. not like muslim men.

Me: (defeated) Ok.

a very merry birthday to me!

well it's been a while since i've updated......to say the least. truth is, february was not the most exciting month i've had here and it was a bit of a slump month. but now it's march and by god, it's a new day!! and of course it doesnt hurt to start out a new month with a new year of life.

this is how i celebrated the joyous occasion. the birthday weekend started on friday with a trip out to the big, beach city near by. i ate pepperoni pizza at pizza hut. my mouth was watering for it the entire 4 hour journey, and by the time i ate it, well, i was in heaven!!

the rest of that day was spent bumming around town, walking along the beach and just generally enjoying myself. Then just as i was about to return to my hotel, i found the most beautiful shoes i've ever encountered. i'm talking love at first site people. i thought "what the hell! its my birthday!" so i bought them. picture below. and i got a really great deal at about 17 dollars.

the next day i traveled about an hour down the coast to a town where two of my friends live. when i arrived, two other girls were there, everyone ready for a party. we went on a beautiful walk before starting the festivities. we made mexican food, had some drinks, and topped it all off with the most delicious brownie with peanut butter frosting. thank god for mandy and her fabulous cooking skills.

then when we were feeling the drinks a bit, we headed up to the roof to watch the lunar eclipse. supposedly the best view was from africa, and it really was incredible. we layed on the roof for at least an hour watching the earths shadow completly cover the moon and turn it into a big red ball. it had extra meaning for me as it was all happening on the eve of my 24th birthday. and my last birthday on this continent. next year i will be in america, and everything will be different.





can you see the barely there red ball? yeah, its hard to photograph an eclipse.

we also fooled around on the roof a bit, doing drunken yoga poses and having 30 second ballet routine contests. it was a wonderful time.



when we got up on my actual birthday, we made strawberry pancakes and whipped cream, per my request. once again, delicious. then i made the long journey home. and it was a long journey as the 3 hour journey actually took about 6.


upon arrival i made myself a jumbalaya dinner with a mix sent by grams (thanks grams!) and watched some TV. you might think, "wow, what a nice birthday weekend!" but it's not over yet folks!

on monday the women who i hang with threw me a party. they have to be the best group of women a girl could find in this country. the dressed me up as a bride and we had a cake that i specially requested, other desserts, pop, candy and we danced it up.

if i were to marry a berber boy, this is what i would look like at my wedding. only thing missing is the henna!

notice the 22 on the cake? ha. i wish! apparently they think i'm getting younger :)

then i got home just in time for the launch of a brand new english TV station on my satellite! and guess what was the first show???? LOST!!!!! i've been waiting 17 months for this day.

Happy Birthday to me, and that is no lie.

and how about a few general life updates? ok, excellent

1- a few months ago one of my students won the YES scholorship. this means that he is going to spend the 2007-2008 school year in AMERICA! all i did was pass on the information, but this is not the kind of opportunity that generally make it to the the small villages. this is a HUGE opportunity for him and i am so proud.

2- i was given the job of coordinating one of the spring language camps that will happen over spring break. i'll be making sure everyone has what they need and being the liason between the americans and other staff. i'm generally not too excited about this, but whatever i'll make the best of what should be an interesting experience.

3- my dad and sis have purchased their plane tickets and are coming to visit! they will be my first visitors from the states and i am really excited. planning vacations is stressful, but so much fun and i look forward to showing them a fabulous time!

4- i want to wish good luck to my grandma who is having her knee replaced in april. i'll be thinking about you!!

ok, i think that's all i've got. consider yourselves officially caught up with my life. hope all is well with everyone at home and i'll talk to you soon!

despite all of our differences, we are all the same

so as i've said before, i do this thing called "women's cafe" on saturday nights. who knew that this thing would prove to be a way for me to delve inside the brains of these women.

so a few weeks ago, things were happening as usual. dancing, eating, chit chat. you know, nothing too exciting.

then we all sit down for a little breather and two of the women go to the board and grab some chalk. they are giggling like little school girls and using their bodies to cover their artwork.

next thing i know, the room abrupts in hysterical laughter. i look at the board. "are you freaking kidding me?!" is the first thing that runs through my head.

without going into a lot of detail, lets just say that these middle aged, covered up, seemingly conservative berber women have just drawn and EXTREMELY obscene image on my chalkboard and are entirely pleased with themselves.

i laughed, but i was shocked. they then erase the first image and draw another one, this time featuring a man and some sort of dog/wolf creature. no, the man was not petting the dog.

if only i had a hidden camera and could have pictures as proof. everyday is an adventure.

my life, in a nutshell

So i've started having "women's cafe" at my youth center. women come, we eat, we talk, we dance. and sometimes it gets pretty serious. The last one was especially exciting.

an exerpt:

woman 1: so how do people pray in america?

me: well, people do all kinds of things because we have all kinds of people and religions in america. (i can usually get away with an answer like this and avoid any other uncomfortable questions)

woman 2: well, how do YOU pray?

me: (SHIT! hesitation as i think about how to handle this. finally i think, what the hell!) well, i don't.

w1 & w2: (confused and frightened stares)

w1: teresa, do you know where you will go when you die if you dont pray?

me: (trying not to laugh) well yes. down there (pointing down)

w1: teresa, do you know what's down there!!!

me: (again with the holding in of laughter) yes, of course!

w1: you're not scared?

me: nope

w1: really?

me: yep

w1: well i'm scared for you!

me: really, you dont need to be scared for me, i'm not scared.

w3: (to the other women) you know, there are a lot of really bad people who pray, praying isnt everything. people kill and steal and pray.

me: (thank you woman 3!) do you know that my president prays?

women: yes

me: and where do you think he's going when he dies? (sorry president, i'm just trying to prove a point here)

women: (pointing down) he's going to hell!!!!

me: well see. he prays and you think he's going down there. i think that if i'm a good person and i do good things, something good will happen to me when i die.

woman 4: teresa, i think that you will go to heaven because you are good and you teach us.

me: thanks!

(end of conversation about religion.........thank god! ;) )