the departure

my last week in taf was insanely busy despite the fact that i stopped working. making the rounds to see all my friends was a bit exhausting and i was constantly on the go with the visits, giving away my stuff, paying bills and more. and of course anytime that i said goodbye to someone, they would say 'but i'll see you again before you go right?' Enchallah [god willing] i would say. but of course it would be impossible to see all of these people again. no one likes goodbyes.

my last 24 hours in town were actually quite boring up until the very end. i thought i would really come full circle by spending the last night at my host family's house. so i said goodbye to my apartment and made my way across town with all of my stuff. the exact opposite of what i did just 22 months prior.

when i arrived, no one was home. awesome. so i went out to the cyber and bought a chicken for the next day's lunch. when i got back the family was there, but there was nothing special about this, my last day. i hung out with khadija and the new baby and everyone else, but i was quite shocked that no one seemed to care or notice that i was leaving!

the following morning was the same, everyone went about their business as usual and i felt a bit lost. i made one more round and said some final goodbyes, and my host sister gave me some very hastily done henna. i played hopscotch with my little host sis and neighbors.

the whole while i was totally uneffected by thoughts of my departure. i thought 'i'm not even going to cry! this is no big deal!' i ate a final snack with some of the family and then it was time for me to make my 6pm bus. i grabbed my stuff with the help of khadija, aicha, tati and neighbor girl noura and we started for the bus.

just about as soon as we left the house i felt a sudden and drastic change within. on the short walk to the bus it was all i could do to hold in my tears. 'i'm leaving....forever' whoa. we were a bit early to the bus, but it was no time at all until i was crying uncontrollably and so were my host sisters. we hugged and kissed and told each other how much we would miss each other. then a bit of calm as we continued to wait. then as it was time to board the flood gates opened again and we repeated the process.

tati [my 9 year old host sis whom i love to death] was having an especially hard time and that of course only made the whole thing more difficult for me. finally i managed to get on the bus and took my seat, still crying as we start to pass through town.

just as we start to leave town, i notice a big black cloud of women on the side of the road. as we pull closer they are all waiving their arms and yelling [of course this is not the usual behavior of a conservative berber woman]. the bus driver thinks maybe someone will be boarding, but i know better as i leap from my seat and sprint to the door.

crying now even more hysterically i jump off the bus and run into the arms of my very best friends. everyone is crying, no one can even speak we just hug and kiss and cry and cry. the bus beeps its horn and i know it's time to go. with a final goodbye i run back to the bus where the other passengers are staring at me as if i'm some sort of alien creature.

it took a good half hour on the bus for me to somewhat recover from this traumatizing departure. and the next 4 hours were spent in reflection of what had just occured.

when i left america in 2005 it was sad. the goodbyes were difficult and i questioned whether i was making the right move. but it was a timed goodbye. a goodbye for two years. a departure that was not permanent, but very short lived in relation to the average life. those goodbyes were a walk in the park.

the goodbyes i said that day were by no means temporary. they were forever goodbyes, and these are significantly more painful. indescribable really, but a bit like a bit of your heart pulled out. this piece will never be replaced. this piece is in morocco.

of course i plan to call and write and visit [and i will], but it will never be the same. i'll never again be living there, just down the road from a cooking lesson or unlimited cups of tea, cookies, and laughter with these incredible people. never again will tati show up unannounced at my door for an afternoon of popcorn and tom and jerry. nope, these are not timed goodbyes.

leaving rabat and my 'boyfriend' mohamed was equally painful, but i dont think i have the energy to go into all that right now.

i spent 27 incredible months in morocco and i'm so greatful for every second.

thank you mohamed, habiba, zaina, fadma, naima, mamass, naima, aicha, hicham, abdelfettah, youness, boubaker, said, dalila, ahmed, hasna, ayoub, nadia, ijou, saida, zahara, all my soccer girls, asma, asma, khadija, khadija, khadija, aicha, mohamed, amina, tati, senna, brahim, noura, houssine, mourad, oumayma, and so many others. you'll always be in my heart.